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hmd
Hello this is an HMD for the OC William Tsang. Please feel welcome to use the form below! Comments are neither screened nor anonymous.
If you feel the urgent need to use a sockpuppet for anonymity reasons, I find that sort of tragic and you can explain your rationale in your comment if you want. You should know that I am a fan of constructive criticism and often analyze my own work closely. In fact, let's start off with that--
Problems that I always anticipate:
Feedback on these points and anything else would be great! Thank you.
If you feel the urgent need to use a sockpuppet for anonymity reasons, I find that sort of tragic and you can explain your rationale in your comment if you want. You should know that I am a fan of constructive criticism and often analyze my own work closely. In fact, let's start off with that--
Problems that I always anticipate:
- My voice as a player overwhelming that of the character, mostly in dialogue, sometimes also in narrative
- Excessive verbosity which obfuscates my meaning, especially when I'm tired-- I tend to find my language becomes more elliptical as I circle around the approximate region of my meaning and eventually arrive sort of in the general locale? MY WISH IS TO BE CONCISE. See, you can even tell by this comment.
- Shying away from characters' more controversial or conflictive characteristics (e.g., racism, rudeness) in the interest of cultivating longer threads/more extensive CR
- Too many IC actions in 1 tag
- Characterization inconsistency that seems to exceed reasonable human day-to-day inconsistency
- Twinking DX
- Dream things are really hard for me to write you'll probably see this soon enough, so it's on here for now.
- Problematic representations of populations I am not part of i.e., to a significant extent, of course some extrapolation is going to happen.
- I'd say deviations from canon, but that is somewhat less applicable here-- nonetheless, if you read his app and think there are experiences or other pieces I could integrate better, I'd love to hear it.
Feedback on these points and anything else would be great! Thank you.
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this is a huge pet peeve of mine in all writing, ever, maybe because i'm an editor - but especially rp and rp dialogue. it's harder to read because it's non-standardized. it's ignorant and insulting. it's us-centric because it normalizes one accent and makes the other something that needs to be specially written: as a non-american, it could be argued that 99% of the characters in ax have accents to me, and yet i wouldn't with my characters, or expect anyone else to with their characters, write out an american accent phonetically. you certainly aren't writing raven's accent phonetically and she's strongly west coast american.
it's kind of offensive to read your posts with "fink" for think and "ovver" for other, when a) your sentence structure doesn't mimic common/southern british speakers at all and b) your change outs are really inconsistent with the way british people actually speak. i don't feel like you're effectively conveying william's accent and it seems kind of like if you were to have him talking about "flied lice velly good aiyaaah" if he had a chinese accent.
accents can come across in phrasing (frinstance jamie speaks like a brit in her sentence structure and vocab, even when writing) and some minor contractions (for instance i use "gonna" and "wanna" and "mom" when she's using her american accent even though her vocab is still britglish, and i used to use some serious irish slang when i played my armargh-born oc cillian in ax) and straight up stating it (i try and include in the brackets which accent she's using.)
anyway, i don't mean to harp, i hope i've clearly made my point. obviously it's up to you if you continue to write the way william speaks in whatever way you feel gets his voice across clearest, and this isn't indicative of your ability as a writer or oc construction at all, so i hope you don't take it too hard. but i just wanted to discuss with you why i had a serious adverse reaction to reading his co-post with peter on the network. thank you for your time!
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To clarify on one point: he isn't British, he's Chinese, he just learned most of his English there. Not that that excuses anything.
Do you mind if I point people at your comment so I can get more feedback?
Thank you very much in any case!
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having watched william around the network and threaded with him myself a little I just wanted to say that he sounds so much more british (as in, sounds like he has a lower class english accent in his tags, i very clearly hear it in my head). so since i don't have you on plurk or anything i just wanted to duck in again and let you know you've done really well taking my earlier crit on board and the change is absolutely beneficial. i hope that's not too patronizing! i'm just really impressed.
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